thoughts
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My musings.

It’s Saturday afternoon and I just sat outside with my laptop and leftover thai hoping to enjoy some afternoon sun. It’s windy out, but not unbearable like my mum said it would be, but I’m pushing through the cold trying to enjoy the little time I’ve got before I have to leave for work. I’ve got a lush face mask on, coconut oil in my hair, and a cigarette in one hand. I hate the fact that I still smoke, but I’m only on my 4th today so I’m cutting back (for now) and proud of myself for that.

Last night was the world premiere of Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. Out of all time zones, I think Australia got the the best pick of the lot. It aired at 7pm and I finished watching by 1.30am, so I didn’t have to stay up any ridiculous hours to watch it. I’ve been a fan of Gilmore Girls for as long as I can remember, and have rewatched more than 9 times now. Yesterday was spent laughing, crying, drinking a lot of coffee/wine and eating pop tarts – in classic Gilmore fashion. I have a lot of opinions about A Year in the Life, but until I rewatch it I’m going to refrain from sharing any opinions on here. But trust me, there will be a blogpost dedicated to it soon.

1

The past few weeks have been tough on both my mental and physical state. I have finally gone back to work after a stint back in hospital and that has been more tiring than I could have imagined. I’m working less than I was before, but I’m now working shifts that I am not familiar with and I’m finding it hard to adjust to what my role is within the store. Because of this, I’m finding it more and more common that I come home to a glass (or 4) of wine after a shift at work.

I have always had a difficult relationship with alcohol. My personality is very addictive, and I find it hard to stop at just one of anything. Now that I am trying to refrain from other substances, I am finding myself craving a drink more than ever. I know I’m only twenty, and people are hesitant to class people as ‘alcoholics’ (for the lack of a better word) at such a young age, but as I’m attending addictive behaviour groups once a week I know that I’m at the verge of a problem with alcohol. A worse problem. I am not the best me I could be when I drink, so for now I’m trying to come to terms with what that means for not only me, but my social life.

2

A couple of days ago, Lucy Moon, a youtuber I have been following for a long time now, posted a video that struck extremely close to home for me. I will link it here incase you are interested, but basically she discussed her difficult relationship with alcohol. Lucy’s videos were my saving grace during my first admission to hospital back in May, so hearing her discuss her alcohol problems on such an large and public platform really inspired me, and I truly hope she continues sharing her journey online.

Yesterday I booked myself a flight to Brisbane, Queensland for mid-January and for now that’s what is encouraging me to get through the rest of the work year. One of my best friends moved up there back in September and although we keep in contact and facetime almost daily, I am beyond excited to go up and visit her. We’re hoping to hit up a few markets, try and travel down to Byron Bay (depending on the car situation) and just generally hang out. So while work might seem dull, pointless, and hard on my feet most days, I know the paycheques leading up to January are going to be going to something worthwhile.

3

I’ve put myself on a strict budget for the next month or so. No aimless spending. I’ve already completed my Christmas shopping, so it shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll still allow myself a coffee or two a week, and I still need to budget in smokes (unfortunately) but apart from that I’m pretty happy living off rice, vegetables, sweet chilli and water for the next little while.

So this is what’s going through my head right now.

Image source: yidan on tumblr

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